Wednesday, June 27, 2012

Bitter Sweet

Warning:  Being personal and putting everything on my blog is hard for me.  I suffer from a issue I call “British Reserve” it means we like to keep our emotions to ourselves & definitely do not know how to articulate them properly.  So I will probably be a ramble & write to much, thank you in advance if you can make it to the end.

Over the last year I have talked about my struggle with never having enough time for everyday life, my jewelry & my intention to live a life of purpose.  However, I have never really disclosed the whole work reality so here’s a little back story leading to a major change & new intentions.  

Seven years ago I was a little lost with life, college wasn’t for me, I was still working at the same job I started in High School.  I was a manager & feel some sort of accomplishment with being so young but I was also miserable.  The retails hours were awful, the PTO was ok, except all I wanted to do was go home to England & five days off wasn’t enough. Eventually I decided I was going to leave the company & go home to see friends in England for a little while.  As I planned my trip & looked for something else I picked up a part time job at another retail store for fun & extra money.  The intention was never to stay with the job long.

So I went to England & Italy, came back and randomly decided to quit my full time job without a new full time job in place.   I really enjoyed that summer & who wouldn’t? It felt amazing to only work part time & enjoy life; I took some jewelry classes; which evoked my passion for the arts, creativity & fashion again.  I had let go of my artistic dreams for to long & honestly feel like that’s why I was a little lost at the time.  I couldn’t get enough of my new hobby but unfortunately, the summer had to end & I found a 9-5 job in Corporate America.  It wasn’t creative, exciting or anything I was passionate about.  Yet it seemed to be the perfect schedule, I would have my weekends to myself, real PTO (5 weeks to be exact).  However, I decided to stay at the part time job for a little longer for extra money to buy a car.  The plan was six months.

Fast forward 6 ½ years later, I am still working both jobs & nothing major has changed in my life, not what I planned but that was my reality.   Some weeks over holidays I have worked 70 hrs plus worked on Stella Jewelry, tried to keep up with family & friends & sometimes taking classes.  I was trying to it ALL but wasn’t doing any of it well.  That’s not the person I want to be, I want to exceed expectations & create a life I enjoy not just work it away.

Yet I love my part time job so much, I have had many ups & downs, gained valuable work experience, made life long friends & it was honestly more than a job at the mall.  It’s not something I can explain unless you worked with us but there a bond & a connection with the brand, that you feel part of something bigger than working retail.  I love the brand, the products & their values as a company.  Unfortunately, I want my life to move forward & there are no opportunities available for me at this time to move forward with them.  

So for the last year I have been trying to define my purpose, it’s so hard because I don’t know what I enjoy or love anymore because I have spent six years working & not living.  I started to get in a fog again so this week I re read some past posts by Jess on Make Under my Life to hopefully see things cleared & make a plan.  I know Stella Jewelry is my passion right now & I want to create a company I am proud of, professionally that is my ultimate purpose & by creating the a job I love, I can’t help but believe I will learn to love & enjoy my personal life.

Monday I looked at myself with an outside perspective, emotionally & financially, scary intimidating stuff but worth it.  Ultimately I wish I could leave the comfort of the corporate pay check.  However I am scared I need the paycheck to move my jewelry forward.  So I had to make the emotional decision to leave my part time job.  This may seem so trivial to most & maybe it is but to me it is sooo bitter sweet.  I have formed a second family there; it seems like the end of an era in my life & although I am excited for the future personally I am sad I won’t be part of the brand I love so much. 

I will now be able to decdicate the appriopate time to my creativity, to friends, family & finding new hobbies I love.  I can't wait to see where I go from here & will be back tomorrow with my intentions for creating a REAL business out of Stella Jewelry.

Hope you will all follow me on my journey to a life of purpose that I will love!!

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