So as I sit at my desk contemplating my life and the changes I need to make I started thinking about the things I love and how my life does not reflect who I am or what I love:
Be prepared for randomness:
I have a million and one loves from British Candy to NCIS to Glitter to Victoria Beckham, David Beckham and Couture Chanel.
My go to outfits are a comfortable plain tee, soft jeans & flip flops but I love to dress up & wear fascinators with shoes that will inevitably hurt my feet but are amazing. I always say if I was skinny I would have amazing outfits & be so trendy, why am I waiting? I am British for goodness sake most of the time we are fashion forward yet I have fallen for the laid back southern way. (Which I am fan of by the way but its just not truly me)
My obsession for make up began around eight when I was in dance contests. I would play in my mums crazy 80’s Avon collections, blue eye shadow anyone? However nowadays I rarely take the time to put mascara on let alone one of hundreds of eye shadows.
I danced for 16 yrs, I will never claim to be the best but I LOVED it, it was what I did every weekend. When I moved to America I stopped dancing. Maybe I was rebelling because I was living 3000 miles from my home but now it’s something I regret constantly. Now I barely will dance at a club because I am self conscious of what people think. It’s so silly, I never cared when I was on stage with 200 people watching, but I care what people not paying attention “might” think.
I think Farmers Markets are delightful & always say I want to visit them when out of town. Yet I ignore the two amazing local ones in Salem & Roanoke. Why? Because I work every weekend & when I can I want to sleep in.
I want to see the world & I know I am lucky to have been to some amazing places. My only regret is not truly exploring and immersing my self into the cities or countries. When in Italy where the food is truly amazing my friend & I were so tired we settled for McDonald's one day. I will admit it felt great to have something familiar to eat but I missed out on not trying another family restaurant where you can taste the love in the food. I regret not taking enough photographs on trips; I regret not seeking out local hidden treasures & avoiding lines for those cliche tourist spots. Why? Well because I didn’t want to wait 2 hrs to look at the ceiling of St Peters only to be in there for two minutes. Yet in those two minutes I would have seen so much history & Art. I would have created a memory to tell when I am old.
When I was growing up like everyone I dreamt of living a big city with an amazing apartment, to die for clothes, surrounded by best friends & spending weekends showing my parents my new home. So Sex & the City! I just KNEW I would have a successful job related to fashion or marketing. Although I am content not living in somewhere like to NY. I still have those same dreams, I always think “when I do this I will be happier” but when am I going to do those things? I work in an industry I dislike; I am burnt out with the position & the negativity. Now don’t get me wrong I appreciate the fact that I have a job and a steady income, yet I am not happy with my work situation which seeps into my personal life. I KNOW I can make something of Stella Jewelry, all I need is time & I will have the life I dreamt of then & now.
I don’t love my life because I don’t include the things I love in it. I don’t know who I am as I have created a different person to fit in, to just pass the time. A person who has settled for what I have yet I know there is so much more.
I have said many times I need to create ME, I need to create my life & yet I am still holding back. I have to realize that I need to change the negatives in my life into positives. If that means a new job & struggling a little the sacrifice has to be worth it to be able to be happy. Life is a struggle no matter what so why shouldn't I embrace it to be who I want to be.
Ah there it is me being open on my blog one of my intentions. I apologize for some of the randomness but I just kept on typing.